Dubya's Journal

Subject:	Saddam...the game is UP!
Time:	11:28 am.
Mood:	mischievous.
Music:	Who Let the Dogs Out? Woof, woof, woof, woof.

We've battled, long and hard (heh heh heh...ahem). We've thrown about insults. Hurtful words were exchangeded. I told you that yo' mamma was so fat that when she's in the supermarket, planes try to land on her. You called me a moron and told me I was messing up a good "Yo' Mamma" joke. Then you told me that my wife was so old that when God said "Let there be light," she hit the switch. That was funny. I laughed and admitted it was true. You gave me a swirly. That was low. But now, now I have you right where I want you.

E-4. Mr. ~~Hussane~~ ~~Husane~~ ~~Who Sane~~...Saddam I have SUNK YOUR BATTLESHIP!

Word of the Day: Bombastic
Word of the Day in Use: We's a-gonna hit I-raq with all the bombastics we got!

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Subject:	State of the Union
Time:	2:34 pm.
Mood:	drunk.

I've neglectigated to update this journal for far too long. The reason for doing so today? I come to humbly apologize for my State of the Union address from last Tuesday.

Hours before I was to speechify, it came to my attention that many people intended to play the State of the Union drinking game. I thought it was a great idea...at first. Then I realized that gajillions of Americans would be getting drunk off their asses and I wouldn't see a drop of booze. I got angry. I lashed out. I changed the speech and removed many of the planned references to the Axis of Evil and ole Saddam. Then I gave the speech, went home and drank a gallon of Texas Whiskey. Did I feel proud about my actions when I woke up (4 days later)? No. To make up for my heinocious actions, I want all Americans to go out, throw back a dozen beers and find a nice brothel to visit. Consider it your patriotic duty.

Word of the Day: Hyperbole
Word of the Day in Use: The second best college football team in the nation will go on to play the hyperbole.

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Subject:	National Sanctity of Life Day
Time:	11:23 am.
Mood:	naughty.
Music:	The Bonanza Theme.

I've got myself a great idea. I hereby declare this Sunday to be the National Sancticity of Life Day. What does this mean? I want every American to go out and do something nice for someone else. Does your neighbor have a smelly dog that you'd like to see put down? Take it for a walk around the block. Not only will you be doing something nice, there's also a chance you could lose the dog on your way back and never have to deal with the mutt again. Above all else, be kind. Someone cuts you off in traffic, don't track them down, smoke 'em out o' their cars and git 'em. No, no. Kindly wave at them as you pass and swear everlasting revenge on them and their family members. That is, after all, the American way.

Speaking of the sanctittie of life, my advisors and I are meeting this week to discuss final preparations for bombing the hell out of Iraq. If anyone has any suggestions, you can call our hotline at 1-800-EvilAxis. Well, I'm off to plan a war. Later, gators!

Word of the Day: Fiscal
Word of the Day in a Sentence: "Let's get fiscal, fiscal...let me hear your body talk."

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Subject:	My fellow Americans, I have FOUND it.
Time:	3:09 pm.
Mood:	high.
Music:	"Mr. Roboto" Styx.

The solution to all our problems. The one thing that will lead our nation through this crisis. The one thing that has the power to stop Saddam from accomplishing his plans for a nucular holocaust and bringing about the END of the WORLD.

I'd like to present to you...Mr. Roboto.

Mr. Roboto Styx
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Mata ah-oo hima de
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto,
Himitsu wo shiri tai

You're wondering who I am-machine or mannequin
With parts made in Japan, I am the modern man

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive-just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive

I'm not a robot without emotions-I'm not what you see
I've come to help you with your problems, so we can be free
I'm not a hero, I'm not a saviour, forget what you know
I'm just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control
Beyond my control-we all need control
I need control-we all need control

I am the modren man, who hides behind a mask
So no one else can see my true identity

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo...domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo...domo
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo...domo
Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For doing the jobs that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For helping me escape just when I needed to
Thank you-thank you, thank you
I want to thank you, please, thank you

The problem's plain to see: too much technology
Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.

The time has come at last
To throw away this mask
So everyone can see
My true identity...
I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy!
(1983, A & M Records)

At my next press conference, I plan on unveiling Styx as my new (collective) Secretary of Defense. Don Rumsfeld may have a mean looking toupee, but in terms of sheer vocalocity, he's NO match for Dennis DeYoung. I will also unveil my "Do the Robot for Peace" strategery. Basically, I'll be doing the robot at every public event I'm a part of, until Saddam finally caves and appoints me Emperor of Iraq. I predict that this will take, at most, 3 weeks.

If y'all will excuse me, I'm off to practice my moonwalk.

Word of the Day: Vivisection.
Word of the Day Usage: "The couldn't perform a natural birth, so they had to give the mother a vivisection."

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Subject:	God bless the internet.
Time:	6:48 pm.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	Hail to the Chief.

Was watching an old episode of Saturday Night Live today. I was NOT amusified. Have taken heart in the fact that a little known Amendment to the Patriot Act allows me to imprison Will Ferrell for rest of the decade. Take that, Mr. Funny man.

I'm working on a big speech to create excitement for the war in Iraq. After the "Harry Sachs" incident during the State of the Union address, I'm trying to find out whether Mike Hunt is really the Iraqi Foreign Prime Minister. Hope to get the final word on that by tomorrow.

Word of the Day: Masticate. (heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh)
Word of the Day in a Sentence: "The servant waits while the masticates."

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